Mastering Change: Ildi Haraszi on Resilience, Intuition and Self-Worth

Join us for our latest episode as our fasciniating guest Ildi Haraszi shares her extraordinary journey from growing up in communist Hungary to working as a change manager in Hong Kong. Born to a factory worker turned diplomat, her childhood was marked by constant relocations and we delve into the formative experiences that shaped her.  Her non-compliant nature led her to unique experiences, including military training and a significant period of self-discovery through various therapies, meditation retreats and coaching. Ildi emphasises the importance of self-awareness, dealing with past trauma and the continuous journey of personal growth. Her story highlights the power of resilience, community and the pursuit of inner peace and connection.

• 00:00 Introduction and Early Life in Hungary
• 00:59 Adapting to Life in Germany
• 02:29 Career Aspirations and Rebellion
• 03:59 Military Experience and Non-Compliance
• 09:40 Personal Development and Self-Discovery
• 12:42 Exploring Meditation and Spirituality
• 17:13 Challenges and Breakthroughs in Silent Retreats
• 28:26 A Shift in Teaching Methodology
• 29:39 The Search for Effective Therapy
• 30:43 Healing the Inner Child
• 31:07 Lessons from Retreats and Self-Discovery
• 31:54 Mother's Journey and Beliefs
• 35:54 The Importance of Community and Connection
• 40:26 Mentors and Influences
• 41:59 A Transformative Experience in Hong Kong
• 43:58 Tony Robbins and Self-Love
• 47:40 Rediscovering Feminine Energy
• 52:00 Manifesting and Listening to Your Heart

Ildi has a passion for adopting a perspective for both herself and her clients that answers the question: “How can this happen for me? How can this be good for me?” 
With over 25 years of experience helping people in their personal and corporate journeys through change, she can find your way to look at change that will leave you relieved, inspired and in control.

Connect with Ildi: 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ildikoharaszi 

Download our mini hypno audio, designed to boost your confidence and release self-limiting beliefs: 

subscribepage.io/confidence-boost-audio 

We also want to hear from you. What are your dreams? What's holding you back? Questions? Stories? Ideas? 

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Homework for this week:  

1. Reframing Challenges as Opportunities: Think of a current challenge you are facing. Write down three potential opportunities or lessons it offers.
2. The Importance of Boundaries: Practice setting a small boundary. It could be as simple as taking a moment for yourself or saying no to something that drains you. Write about the experience.

If you’re happy to, be brave and post your results on social media, tag us and use the hashtag #reignmaker 

Thank you for listening! 

Transcript

Welcome to How To Reign When It's Raining, a podcast that celebrates stories of resilience, strength and limitless potential.

This podcast is for you if you're seeking inspiration. Advice or practical guidance to transform your mindset and create a life you love.  There truly are no limits to what you can achieve.

(Intro Music, Beautiful Light by Abi Hendry and Matt Powell). 

 Hi, Reignmakers. It's Dolina and Abi. Welcome back.  If you haven't downloaded our free mini hypnosis audio yet, the link is in our show notes. It's designed to boost your confidence and release self limiting beliefs. 

So today's episode is an intimate and inspiring conversation about self discovery, healing and transformation.  Our incredible guest Ildi opens up with raw honesty about navigating life's darkest moments, finding hope and coming out stronger on the other side.  Together we explore how  mentorship can shape us, why failure is often life's greatest teacher, and the profound impact of learning to truly love yourself. 

Ildi also shares how reconnecting with her intuition, embracing her unique energy, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable led to real empowerment.  We'll talk about the importance of finding your tribe, cultivating conscious relationships, and the courage it takes to tune into that inner voice. The one that knows exactly why you're here.

This conversation is filled with wisdom, and we're so excited for you to hear it, so please welcome Ildi Harazi. 

So you  we were just having a chat and you were saying about living in Hong Kong. And that sounds really, really interesting. So , how did you end up in Hong Kong? Because I don't know where you're from. Mum said that, you're Eastern European, but I'm not sure what your background is. 

So let me give you a whistle stop tour of, the crazy life. I love that as well. Born in Hungary, back in the 70s, when Hungary was a big, big, big communist country. And it was an interesting time. My dad, was a worker in a factory and was selected by the party to become a representative of the people as it worked, and was selected to go to school, to university and become a diplomat. 

And that happened when I was born. So he went to university and studied like crazy, and we moved to Germany when I was five, my sister was two at the time. And that started a completely different life from what it originally started out as. So no more working class, but moved into a completely different world, culturally,  a massive shift for my parents. And I grew up  privileged, kind of, but, it was a massive shock. So for a child, or children, because my sister too, we were going through constant separation from friends, every four or five years, moving countries, moving house multiple times while we were in the same country, new schools all the time.

 We grew up in an environment where we were exposed to a lot of change,  learning new languages. I was 16, I spoke three languages already,  fluently English, German and Hungarian. In school, I studied French, Russian, and then with work, I'm in love with dancing, Salsa, Tango, so I learned Spanish.  And my whole life was all about, learning. Getting used to new situations. So I ended up being a change manager and I work with large corporations that go through transformation.  But I care about the people. So when I was a child or younger,  and I started thinking about what shall I be when I grow up. Uh I wanted to be whatever, whatever has to do with people, but I, I didn't want to be a doctor because I didn't like blood and I knew I wouldn't be able to study that much.

I didn't want to be a lawyer, although the whole sense of justice was really strong in me because I didn't, I knew I couldn't study that much.  So I wanted to be a psychologist and my dad at the time said, uh, that's not a proper job. You'll be an economist.  I went to a university to study economics, but I ended up studying marketing and marketing communication, which basically is psychology.

Yeah. How did that go down with your father then when you told him that you were studying that instead of economics?

Well, it was kind of economics because , the school I had to go to was the school of economics  and then within there I could specialise in something.  And, I wasn't really a very compliant person ever, and I was always rebelling, uh, so, um, there were a lot of different things.  I'm not going to go into all of that as we're, uh, potentially publishing this. Who knows?  I don't care to speak to, to him anymore. You might hear it. Yeah.  Who knows? It might go back to him through his friends.  But  a lot of my decisions were to not comply. So I signed up with the army, the Hungarian army and had a scholarship during university.

So I studied some special subjects that you need for,  security related activities. I was going to work for, uh, the ministry of defense in Hungary,  after graduating.   And,  that was the time when Hungary was getting ready to join NATO  and I was going to work in that department,  preparing the country, for that whole change. 

But, when I finished university and I was a soldier officially, and we were getting ready for graduation.  Everybody has to go through a massive,  psychometric test, similar to the disc profiling that I do now, because I love to understand people. That was my first ever way of being faced with these questions. But that was a more in depth, everything where  you were asked about a variety of values, including do you ever torture small animals, which I was really upset about. How can you even ask that? But apparently, certain people are better suited to be,   compliant soldiers. If they say yes to things like that, I think.

I wonder how many people have actually been honest and said yes. 

I do know people who I know have done that actually,  those were the kinds of men I used to be attracted to, but that's a whole other story.   So I failed the test and, the psychiatrist, psychologist said to me, we're sorry, but we have to reject you from the army because you're just so non compliant that, you will not follow orders.  We cannot put you in any position where you need to  be compliant. And at the time they had stamps, you know, the green stamp and the red stamp to go on my paperwork and he was reaching for the red one. And I said,  can we just talk about this before you put that like, is there any opportunity where my special non compliant skills or the thinking out of the box, if we want to reframe this, uh, could be useful.  And they said, yeah, we were considering you for the spy programme, but you talk so much, you're a liability for the country. 

By the way,  how old were you then? That was 23. Right.  Can I just ask, because you've said a few times that you're non compliant. Did you know that you were that person at the time?  Because for me, I couldn't think of anything worse than going into the army, because I hate being told what to do, so did that not come into it for you at the time?   

No, because the need to, rebel against my father was stronger. And, the army and the ministry of foreign affairs. Employees did not, they, they had,  they had rivalry.
So I thought one of the best ways to rebel against my dad is to go and join the other side. 

I've got to ask you about that then, what was your need to rebel against your dad?

Oh, just, not never being listened to and having to comply and follow orders at home without ever having my own opinion.
Yeah, which obviously  if I put my adult hat on, makes sense because imagine a five year old child who is so willing to talk to everyone and is so open and friendly,  we are in the enemy's land in West Germany in the seventies. And I go around telling everyone what we're doing on the weekend and people were meeting.

It was a liability. So I had to be controlled  very carefully. So from my parents point of view at the time, that kind of  confinement  made complete sense. And you couldn't talk in the house because you've had bugs everywhere. So if I wanted to have a conversation with my mum, I had to say, can we please go for a walk? 

So we left the place where we were constantly monitored. 

Right. Oh goodness, that must have been really tough actually. And having to comprehend that as a child.  

But, you know, when you're carefree as a child and you just want to run around and be crazy and bring friends home, which was never allowed either, sometimes you just lose it as a child and you go, why can't I do what my friends are doing?
I don't understand.  Why am I different? 

So the non compliance then when you think of it,  do you think it's more nature or more nurture or a mix of both? 

Both. I mean, I think I've always had that because I know now, after all of the self development and self awareness that I've been working on for the past, whatever, 20 years,  my purpose in on this planet in this lifetime is to bring new perspectives to people  and help them to see things from a different angle so that they can see opportunities instead of, instead of problems.

And,  you need to think out of the box. 

That's brilliant. I love that. You absolutely love how you've said that. Yeah. That you're, you feel that you have that calling on this earth to bring opportunity, see, help people see the opportunities instead of the problems. 

Yeah. Yeah. So I used to be upset when I was told that  I'm a victim and it's victim behavior, but I've learned that. And I was upset because I didn't want to believe that that's what I'm doing. So I had to peel it all back, all of that learned stuff about protection and, containing myself because I knew that  I was here to rebel  for the right reasons. 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And  when you were saying about the personal development focus that  you've done and you're doing over the last sort of 20, 20 years, what has that meant for you? What, what is it that you've been doing? What is it that you found beneficial?  

So It always started with, uh, because I had to start over and over again. I, I knew something was wrong. I tried to do something,  but when it felt like, over time, I was, uh, my little soft, happy, loving core was dipped in cement. 

Over and over again, and I had this shell on the outside of the learned behaviors,  and,  I was going against  my own nature, so I hurt myself, but I've learned the whole bullying behavior from the environment where I, that I  grew up in, and that's how I have treated other people.  So I did it. Yeah, go ahead.

Can I just ask you, when you say you've had to start over and over and over again, time after time, can you just elaborate on that a little bit?

Yeah. Yeah. So, so it all started with, I was super lonely.  I initiated a divorce at 29 from a man. That was the best thing that happened to me because , he was just authentic  and truthful, but I had to run away because I hated that,  he wasn't supporting me and I was so egocentric that,  I just, I didn't want to be around people who weren't, you know, going my way.

But that made me very detached  and lonely. And, uh, people didn't like to be around me. I was a perfectionist and I never have shown,  weakness.  So I was so lonely. , I started trying to find ways to connect with people and,  that meant I went, I started,  looking for,  um,  meditation. Uh, I started looking for community in any way.

So I went to school  and studied coaching, but I didn't like that I couldn't tell people what to do, that I had to ask questions, but ultimately I did qualify as a coach and I love doing it now, but back then it was more for self development so that I could switch my style and my perspective. I went to church. Because I, I thought, so back in the 70s, communist, It's not allowed, especially for the family of a high  flying,  person. So as an adult, I went to church and I did the alpha course at Holy Trinity Brompton in London. And I was like, Oh my God. This is, this makes total sense. It's all about compassion and being nice to people. 

Wow.  

And, uh, and I got baptized at the age of, I think I was 34 or five.  Um, But then I didn't like some of the messages, the whole, the church thing and the institution of religion. So I started looking into Buddhism and I went to, uh, study Vipassana. I went to the silent meditation retreats a couple of times.

That was Massive.

That sounds incredible. Yeah. 

When you're not allowed to talk to anyone and look at anyone, and you're all by yourself with yourself, on day four, the visions start and the demons start coming out and telling you it's time to go home, this is all bullshit, this is nonsense. Etc.
Etc. 

So how long were you there for? 

So those were 10 day retreats. I've done them three times. And then I started serving, which was a massive breakthrough. So I went back to these retreats to cook and work in the kitchen and do cleaning.  And everything was great.  with the intention of connecting with people, of seeing things from a different perspective.

So over the course of about 15 years, I started and failed and started again and failed and then built on what I've learned and failed again to achieve the kind of connection that I wanted. So that's what I mean by, I was dipped in so much concrete, the layers had to come off gradually and every time I thought I had a breakthrough, I was like, nowhere near a breakthrough, but  that inside intention and, and purpose was driving me. I knew that this is something that I, I had to do.  So  all of the things in my life were somehow aligned to help with that. So I was never, hardly ever employed. I've always worked as a freelance because I hated the confinement of the institution  of the corporate world, and I wanted to be the different perspective, which you can be if you're a consultant, if you're an outsider.

Yes, indeed, and I suppose you were brought up in, and correct me if I'm wrong when I say this, you were brought up in a kind of institution, weren't you? But everything was monitored,  you had to be careful what you said, you had to do all of these things, so therefore you had to.  You were brought up in that environment and you were struggling to break free from that.
And that sounds to me with what happened to you in your formative years, because you were there from the age of five,  where,  as you said, when you're a child, you want to have that freedom and you don't have it. I mean, I didn't have it. It was different, but I, I get, I understand a lot of what you're saying, which is why we had an immediate connection.

Yes. Yeah. You know, when we met, I had that immediate connection with you and how was that manifested itself. It manifests itself and you work for yourself. I work for myself. You know, we, we like the freedom.  That we have from people telling us, you've got to do this, you've got to do that, you must do this, you must do that,  but, um,  and we know inside you, there's something that you said a minute ago, that's really resonated with me, because you said inside,  that you've got that message to give, you've got that innate thing inside of you, that you want to get out to help.
The others that's still stuck maybe, but you went to, the Buddhist retreats and I'm fascinated about that because I've always thought about it, but I've never actually done it. and when you said,  about day four, that's when the demons came out.
So what happened  can you just talk us through that a bit? 
Whoever is listening, that might be considering something like this and helping them to, peel the onion and to get to know who they are. 

Yes. So if anybody wants an interesting, summary of from a storyteller.
Um, read the book,  Teach Us to Sit Still. I don't remember his name, Tim, I think, Tim somebody.  Teach Us to Sit Still, I love a book recommendation. Yes, so, , I read that book and I knew  that was what I needed to do. this was written by a man who was suffering with chronic pain for 20 years.
And the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him, but he was like almost dying and he went to the retreat and he managed to. Find a way to manage his pain through that meditation.   But I had chronic pain mentally, constantly, so I thought that is what I need to do.  And,  what happens at the retreat is you arrive day one and, you are, you are allowed to interact with people which.
I think is almost worse than if you are just told to be quiet and just go to your room, because you get to know people, you start getting excited and interested in them, and then the evening comes , on that first day we get introduced to what's going to happen. And from that point onwards, you're not allowed to talk to anyone.
So silent and retreat means. No talking, no looking at each other, no communicating in any way, so not just verbally, but with your body language, no smiling, no eye contact, no touching. That's difficult. No smiling. No smiling. It's so one of the things that I've learned, in those first four days is how badly I was craving contact.
And, um, I might actually try, but I don't mind if you don't mind. 

Of course not. Please do. No, of course not. It's a  safe space. 

Yeah, because  I think this was the turning point. 

That's okay. Take your time. It's fine.  

It was a massive breakthrough  to realise how  much I was craving connection.  Even if it's just smiling because, things came up from the past where, um, (pause) thank you for, uh, the opportunity to breathe.  

Oh, bless you. 

Um,  the, um,  when I, when I was  five, six, one of the things that  I was always told is you're too friendly. You're too open. You're smiling at everyone. You have to stop it because the world is a dangerous place.  And, uh, that was all that was the message.
That was the belief that I have to be hard, that I have to be serious.  Um, that smiling is dangerous.  Connection is dangerous.  It will come with a price and responsibility. If you allow people to do something for you, you will have to pay it back.  There is nothing,  nothing really good about the world and the people.
Everybody wants something from you or wants to harm you. So you have to shut down. That was the message as a child.  

My goodness. So sad. Having to dim your light. 

Completely.  And then I'm in this environment where,  as an adult, the whole thing plays out again.  So it's like reliving an experience, yeah. And um,  and what was happening  so  the routine of the day, what's happening on the outside is very simple.
We wake up at 4. 30,  we go to the meditation hall.   And meditate for  one and a half, two hours at a time and then have a break for movement or for breakfast or for lunch. And then the day ends at 10 o'clock.  There's only one chance to have any connection with, , with the teacher  where  We have two minutes if we ask for an audience,  to talk about what's going on, but we're not allowed to talk to anybody else. 
And, you're sitting in the room on your little one square meter that are set up really close to each other because you've got 20 people  in total. So everybody's got their space. And what happened on day four  was you've got the same space  every single day for all the meditations assigned to you.
So your neighbors. are the same people. And the person who was sitting behind me  was extremely fidgety.  And she kept,  burying , her toes underneath my blanket. So I could feel the movement constantly. Now, when you're, when you spend days, In a space where you're not allowed to talk to anyone, communicate and have no interaction, your senses are so heightened that everything like a whisper is like a shout.
Any  minimal touch, especially uninvited, because that was not good, is bothering you so much. It was as if somebody was hitting me with a bat every time I could feel her toes moving.  So, I requested the teacher  to have a word or help me to stop it because what was happening. So, at that time, I was, uh, I was an adult.
It was past my, uh, my military training and some of the things that we learned there for self defense were pretty dangerous things. And I said to the teacher, I'm getting to a point where I can't control my reactions  She's in danger of getting hurt if I use it next time she touches me.  They didn't do anything  because it's part of the programme.
You need to experience the, whatever is coming up. Challenges. Yeah.  So  the first thing I did was reach back and push her toes back.  to show the boundary, which was already really difficult for me because I, I had massive issues with boundary settings at the time.  And,  the voices started coming up saying, she's doing this deliberately.
She's trying to piss you off. Everything in the world is dangerous. Here you are, there's an attack on you. You need to defend yourself.  And that's all of the, 
I've been hearing these voices.  All my life,  for everything.  Imagine a child in kindergarten,  when another child comes to you, takes away your toy. It's reinforcement that the message is true,  and children are just children.  Not everybody has  the kind of education at home where you have to comply, otherwise you don't get dinner or whatever. 
So,  I've never heard the voices so loud, and it was really scary.  And  a part of myself inside  knew that the voices weren't true  and the conflict on day four got so big  that I really just wanted to go home because I didn't want to hear these voices. I worked so hard to push them away. 

Yes, so you had buried them.  They were suppressed. Yeah, and they were suppressed.  You're suppressing the emotion and now it's coming to the surface. Yes. Past trauma that's coming out. And that's a lot of what we deal with and I deal with in hypnosis and that  is the past trauma that comes out.

Yes. So what happened was,  there was a moment on day four when,  I was just crying and crying and crying. Nobody loves me. I'm not worthy.   The world is bad.  I'm not supposed to be here.  By then I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts, so everything I was feeling  started to confirm  that suicide is the right way. 
That's on day four. And then in the afternoon during one of the sessions,   I snapped and the last time , when she started poking me, I got up and my hands stopped. in front of her throat, but she managed to jump up and run away.  It was very scary. 

Was she doing it on purpose? 

I don't know, but that's what I thought.  That's what the voices were telling me. Yes, you thought she was. She probably wasn't, but yeah. Yeah, because who knows  what she was going through on her fourth day,   Which is that critical day.   So,  I mean, today, or from the outside, obviously I interpret things differently, but when you're there and everybody in the room is dealing with their own stuff.

That's right. Everybody's in a, in a similar place, aren't they? 

Yes, but the voices were, she's trying to kill you, so you have to strike first. Yes.  And, uh, and then they reorganized the room and they set us both away from each other and, and then everything was good. But that scared me so much because I never had to use my skills like that before.  And  I was shocked how,  how capable I could be of hurting someone. And where it came from, 

Especially if you, as you said, you've not ever used that before, but you knew automatically what to do. That must have been a bit of a shock. 

Yes. And then, When that happened, on day five, the teaching switches to a new methodology  because it's built up.  So  it takes about that time to break down certain things and reorganize. And then  we started the rebuilding.  with the meditation. And I've had the most incredible visions. , the piece that I found  was incredible. I had to work through the guilt that I felt for attacking that other woman and et cetera, et cetera. 
But I wasn't ready to  apologise on the last day when we were allowed to talk to each other. So I was avoiding her because.  It was too much  to process,  which is then why I kept going back to doing things that were helping me to go back to those places where I can find solutions and uncover some of the trauma.
But  I found that meditation for myself very dangerous. Because I was doing it alone and my whole purpose and everything that I was trying to do was connection. So that was the time I started really deeply looking for mentors, therapists.  And I tried a lot of different things from,   gestalt, which I hated because I was supposed to step into my father's shoes.
And I said, no, that is not going to happen. Yeah. I tried hypnotherapy and  when the woman made me punch a pillow, I was like, no, you're not the right person for me. 

And that's the thing, with hypnotherapy or with any therapy, it's the person that, the therapist that you're seeing, you've got to have that right connection with them because if you don't, then you're not going to trust and you're not going to be able to move on.

Yeah. . Something that was really important at that time that I have learned from as well is at the time when I was Failing therapy.
I, I used to think it's my fault. It's because some something's so wrong with me that  even no one can help. 

Yeah. 

Yeah. And that's the thing, people blame themselves because, you know what I do things like healing the inner child. Yes.  Healing the inner child is really important. Yeah. What you do is when you go back to find out what the real reason is, these things happen because it's in your subconscious mind and that drives 95 percent of what you do. Yes. It's that high.

What would you say  that you  feel that you've really taken away from going to the retreats?  

I think the biggest message is that for me, because I always need proof of stuff.   Our capacity to  become aware if we're brave enough to go there and the capacity to change  and, the creativity we have and the imagination we have is just this bottomless fountain that is so incredible. Yeah. So  go there if you dare and don't go there  if you don't want to. I've had this conversation with my mum, which is absolutely incredible. We've both been on a self discovery journey. And one of her  favorite beliefs is that, and I can speak freely because her English isn't good enough to know what I'm saying. (laughter).
My sweet darling mum.  She's really incredible. And she started the whole self awareness journey in the family, when she had a really devastating spine injury and the doctor said she would never walk and she's dancing the night away. She's turning 70 

Oh, that's incredible.

She's got more boyfriends younger than I am.  

Love that. That's a bit like me. That sounds a bit like my mum.  

My absolute idol.  So we talk every day and sometimes we go really deep and I always tell her about  my therapy sessions and without, because it, a lot has to do, obviously she's my parent as well, but we always do the disclaimer that this is not about her and not about mistakes.
It's how I process things. And we were talking about the big discoveries and her belief is that she doesn't have any problems. She doesn't need to change anymore. She's like free. She might have a few more things to become aware of, because if she didn't, that would be the time for her to die. So she believes that once she has all her realisations, then she will move on and that's it. 

I quite like that, like she's learned everything she needs to learn so then it's time to move on to the next place, the next. 

So she, she has a few things that she believes she needs to hold on to, a few flaws or areas she doesn't want to look at because she's not ready to die yet. That's her story. 

I like that analogy. 

Well, I know, but it's also a massive excuse, right? Like, let's be honest.  

Hold on, Ildi. How old is she? 

She's turning 70 now. 

Is she? Oh, bless her. And she's having fun. 

She is having My God, so much fun. So the topic was that we discussed is, Oh, my friends have all these issues. They are codependent and they are addicted to having a relationship because my sister is getting a divorce.
She's divorced now. And this is really suffering from missing having a partner.  My mom was like,  I am not like that. I'm not addicted to relationships. And I said, mom, may I offer you a different perspective on this?  And I said, what if you are addicted to being non attached?  And she was like, Another thing to work on.  And she moved on. She really is amazing and funny.
Uh, we were discussing, and I can't remember the exact conversation, so I usually take that as a sign of it's not for the world to hear it, but,  it was all about,  You always have a choice of,  wanting the self discovery or not, because, and it's nobody's business whether you go on a, on a self discovery journey or not, even if people from the outside can obviously see what your issues are, but it's your choice when it's the right time, because  if, um,  yeah, it's your soul that decides, your higher self, maybe that lesson is not to be learned yet and you have an inner intelligence to decide  what is the right thing for you to do at this moment.
And I mean, I really love her approach. 

Oh, timing. Yeah.  Who's had  the biggest kind of positive influence on you?  

Um,  I've always been so stubborn to find my own way and I've gone around in circles and, this Vipassana, for example,  seven years before I actually read the book and went to the retreat. When I was sitting at the retreat, I suddenly remembered I was on a flight to whatever location I was flying for work and a guy next to me who looked like a hippie told me that he's just finished his Vipassana  and how amazing it was and I was like, whatever.  Wow.  So seven years before. Yeah. Wow. So I know that all of these opportunities and the signs and the messages are coming into our lives multiple times.

Yeah. It's whether you actually hear them or pay attention to them and it's your vibration at the time as well and whether you're at that frequency and ready to receive them. Yeah. And you weren't ready at that point. 

It's, it was, yeah. So that man who I have no idea who he was on the plane was a person who brought me a message.  I read the Celestine Prophecy,  which was an eye opener  for me. Yeah. Definitely Vipassana,  that, that was a massive milestone in my life. I must say that,  Holy Trinity Brompton and the Alpha Course in one way was a massive milestone and an influencer. So those people who were my,  team leaders,  the way that they're, How marriage worked and how people , who are churchgoers and  who are not just Christians because whatever religion, but who live their lives with the guidance of  those key things of love thy neighbour and don't steal and people who live their lives like that are absolutely massive influences for me because I don't, I haven't seen, I don't have a pattern or an example of  a good relationship. So I've been single for 15 years because all I can think of is I will never let anyone else control me.  

That sounds exactly like me. Yes. 

Yeah, that's very familiar actually.

It's quite scary. 

But what you're talking about and what it is what it really boils down to is connection. And, coming back to that community, whether it be the church, if you're not religious, it can be any religion, but what it means, what that is, is community and connection. And we all crave connection. That's what everybody wants. And to feel less alone, to feel understood, to have some sort of affinity and   there was even this documentary, that mum and I watched,  I think it was about a year ago and it was, who was it that was going round to the places where people live the longest around the world? 

It was John Snow. 

Yeah. And he was going around to, and the main, one of the main takeaways where they live the longest was because of their sense of community and the relationships. 

That they had where they lived with their community, and that was huge, wasn't it? I think that, that's absolutely right.  You know, it was America where people, one of the places where people lived the longest, and you wouldn't have expected that. Yeah. In a community, it was Loma Linda community, and they were church goers. And they met and they supported each other. But not just that, when you go to, um, there's an Island in Greece, Ikaria or Ikaria, I don't know how you pronounce it. 
It doesn't matter whether they go to church or not. It's because it's a community and they support each other. And it was the same in Japan, which was the other place up in the mountains in Japan. I mean, yes,  diet and exercise and everything's important, but it is  the stress, take the stress away.
And.  It's when you put the focus on helping other people and  supporting and connection. Yeah. And because if you think about it, we're all tribal. So it's, it, and we all crave connection. 

You're absolutely right. Yes. So there was a mentor I had straight out of university who taught me everything about coaching and change management, who was a very gentle soul.
And I didn't know at the time, but from him, I learned Unconditional love in the workplace of it's okay to experiment and failure is not a failure. It is a learning  and that whole approach of how important it is to take care of people. His name is Gerhard Pesina.  He lives in Austria and I admired him so much.  he's an incredible person. And then another mentor and teacher who was my teacher at the coaching academy when I was learning coaching, when I went on my NLP journey, Neuro Linguistic Programming, my teacher was  Andrew Jenkins.  Who is still a friend now and we reconnected and he was the one  who did an interview with me about intuition and a couple of other people.  He's an incredible friend and mentor and guide and my career was influenced by these amazing people, and usually men,  which again is very important for my life because I've seen examples of men who are conscious, self aware, and who don't try to compete with the feminine energy. But work together. And then, in Hong Kong, coming back full circle, it was an amazing experience.
I did go to Hong Kong because I thought,  well, my ego said I need to have a contract under my belt in Asia. So that culture box, but the soul inside wanted to go to  the place where Buddhism is stronger, I was hoping. Well, they have all these big Buddhas on top of the hills and whatever.
And it was one of the worst experiences of my life for a six foot tall, white, overweight woman, where I was looked at for being a giant and taking up too much space on the bus because I needed two seats in that Asian culture where men tried to flirt with me and I said, well, I need two of you so you can stand on top of each other! (laughter). 
And I was completely disconnected. I went there as a consultant, so no company to sponsor me. I found my own place to live.  It was really detrimental where my depression was the lowest. So I came back to the UK,  suicidal, and I went into therapy with an incredible therapist who said, you don't need anger management, you need to learn how to love yourself. 
And, um, we worked for a year and a half together until,  COVID started.  And,  I've needed a variety of therapies and at that point when I felt suicidal properly for the first time where I was just so down that I didn't even have the energy to think about how to do it,  I said, I need a real kick.
I need something that is not the gentle, let me hug you. I needed something to be like a massive frying pan hit me over the head kind of approach. So I went to work with Tony Robbins.  

I love Tony Robbins.  

And I signed up for the Platinum Membership. So I spent a year traveling around the world. I spent so much money on the traveling and the membership.
I could have bought a house for that money. But I thought, well, the choice is I buy a house and die, or I buy this experience and become a new person. And I did. I've learned a lot. And the most amazing course was the relationship course, which was in Hawaii.  

Wow. 

And, I was lucky enough to see Laihana,  the town that burned down in the big fire.  I was there and, it's just devastating. But that experience.  The reconnecting with myself because most people were there on the relationship course as partners in a relationship. So. A few of us were there as single people.  So I decided to work with myself, my inner child as a partner. And the biggest thing that, two things I've learned. One, one was, conscious relationship or conscious connecting or something like that.
But it's all about how finding the right person, connecting with each other. and then building the relationship and something together is not a coincidence. You need to communicate your values, your expectations, your boundaries. And everybody needs to step into their feminine masculine and how to lift each other up and how to reset. 
All of that was brand new for me. I've never learned. what a good relationship is, what you need to do. And it was incredible. I've seen couples  go from  we've come here as a last resort because we hate each other. We were going to get divorced, go to the lovey dovey, reconnecting, finding why they fell in love with each other again.

Wow. Sounds very powerful. 

And I went through that for myself and I've discovered the duality inside of me, why I had so much masculine energy, how to soften.  But the big message for everyone listening that what I've learned is  reading books is just not enough because  we know the structures, but the experience itself  is just sometimes completely the opposite of what we think we know  and what's happening on the inside.

And that's why I love you,  Dolina, because we work on this and we talk so much about the inside, the child or whatever is coming up. And that, if you're brave, then that trauma can come up with the right guidance. And it was incredible. And the thing that then just like my favorite thing that happened to me in the last five years or so, I used to be super sexual,  when I was younger.   So when people start talking about, Oh, how many people did you sleep with? And they know the numbers. I was like, how do you remember? So three,  what's wrong with you?  That's my mum coming through.  So  part of the whole relationship thing and relationship with yourself was, um, a set of exercises and courses where the women were sent to work with an incredible woman  who teaches  not pole dancing, but the whole pole dancing striptease for self learning. 
So we were gifted these fuck me shoes like platform this high and then the heel like I fall over because it's like, it pushes you. It's hilarious.  It was  so incredible. I rediscovered how much I love to dance and to move  and  we were that there, there are types of feminine energy.
And I was the one that is like this  assassin style hiding  black widow kind of,  and then there are the others who are the popcorn pop culture with their little lollipop and pink dress and whatever. And I was like, Oh my God, I don't have to pretend that I'm this,  little woman who needs to be saved.
I'm the one who like, if I come out,  I come out for the kill and  it has to be the right match in the masculine energy. So I was chasing after men, chasing, not anymore, who are, who need the little girl who needs saving. And I was angry because I'm trying, I was trying to put myself in that. Kind of energy, but that's not who I am.

Oh my god. I totally understand what you're saying. 

It's so cool Yeah, all of these messages, you know what you read on Facebook and then Instagram of oh, we're not chasing we're attracting and blah blah blah  You understand but then suddenly when you start moving to the right kind of music because my music was Nine Inch Nails and like that industrial,  I don't even know what it is, and punk rock and you know, I like to dance around to Katy Perry but that's not my sexy music. 

 I love that. That's not my music. 

That's a bit like me with my  heavy rock, isn't it? Yes. My Black Sabbath.

Exactly. So I thought, okay, nothing's wrong with me.

And again, so the duality and getting rid of duality has become the big thing for my self awareness.  So, so building that connection with myself has become the latest  and,  it is like, um,  when you're next to,  you know, A lake, not the sea that moves, just a like, a very calm lake  on a inflatable mattress and the sun is shining without burning you and you're just lying there with your hands, in the water and you don't know what time it is, but you're just floating about and you can just feel this kind of gentle rocking. 

That's the energy that I have now.  

Oh, wow, that's beautiful. 

That's such a lovely, you've done a lot of work. 

Yes, a lot of work, and it is not giving up.  It's all about  the those breakthroughs that are so painful. are not the end of the road. They are the forks in the road. And the only decision is, we need to,  I need, I want to, I don't need to, because I'm not a victim.
I make a choice  to get inspired and energised by that. It's like another fork in the road. Okay, what's going to come next? And, that's what's happening now. 

That's what I was going to ask you actually. What's next for you now going forward? What's on the agenda for you?  

So  after one of these forks in the road, December last year,  I have signed up to do a little course on manifesting. 

Love that. 

And,  because, I read The Secret and it made me really angry because it told you what to do, again, book, knowledge, but it didn't say how, or it wasn't very,  Explicit.  You know, when somebody dangles an amazing steak in front of you  or cauliflower if you're vegetarian.

That's me.   

And you can't eat it. That's what the secret was for me.  I was on a bus, and I was listening to it and, I actually exclaimed out loud, for fuck's sake. 
People were looking at me like, apologies, but.  What am I meant to do with this?  So the Celestine prophecy came after the secret, because I was searching for the how. Yeah. I thought manifesting all you need to do is just think of it, but. No, actually, no, it didn't happen. 

So  what would you like our audience to take away?  

Listen to your heart. 

I like that. 

Seriously, I know that, we get so, the rails are put up around us as we grow up and the voices of why we've come here are always there.  And intuition is when you have a gut feeling, when you have something that keeps coming up where you well up. That's why you are here. And find a way to make space for that little seed. And  also,  it doesn't matter if things don't happen immediately.
That's why we live so long, It's just coming. It just keep chipping away as long as that little voice and the gut feeling is there. It's the right thing to do and,  find your tribe.  Yeah, love that. When I moved to Seven Oaks and I met this community  with Spark  and Jess White, I found my tribe.
It's a group of incredible people who have the right values, who listen to their intuition, who are not  raping others with their sales and ideas.  

Oh, that's wonderful. And beautiful. Jess is actually another guest on the podcast.
She's lovely. 

Yeah. And this makes me well up because it's true. So now I don't apologise for crying anymore. I know when I cry, it means it's true.  So that is my big message as a takeaway. 

Thank you. 

As long as that little happy voice, the voice of the inner child is there and is telling you what we're meant to do, despite the other voices, you're on the right track. 

Yeah, good. Thank you. I love that. 

Absolutely love that.  Ildi, thank you.  

 We just love this conversation. We're so, so lucky with the amazing guests we have on our show. Thanks for listening, Reignmakers. 

Don't forget we have a free audio download for you in our show notes. 
Today's key takeaways are, 

1. one, rebellion can be powerful when it sparks fresh ideas and new solutions. 
2. Two, see your problem as an opportunity.
3. Three, boundaries are self care. Saying no is hard, but it's essential for peace of mind.
4. Four, healing takes time. There's no rush. Go at your own pace and ask for help when you need it. 
5. Five, failure isn't final. It's a lesson, not a dead end. 
6. Six, trust your gut. If something keeps coming up, it's worth exploring.
7. Seven, manifestation needs action, not just wishful thinking. 
8. Eight, surround yourself with people who lift you up and share your values.
9. Nine, find balance in your masculine and feminine energy. Both have their place. 
10. Ten, your inner child knows joy and wonder. Listen to that voice.

So the homework for this week is: 

Reframing challenges as opportunities: Think of a current challenge you are facing and write down three potential opportunities or lessons it offers.

Now we've had quite a few key takeaways this week, so we're also going to set another homework, and you can choose which one obviously you want to do, if any, um, the second is: 

The importance of boundaries: Practice setting a small boundary.  It could be as simple as taking a moment for yourself or saying no to something that drains you. And then write about that experience. 

If you're happy to be brave and post your results on social media, tag us and use the hashtag Reignmaker. That's R E I G N M A K E R. We also want to hear from you guys!

What are your dreams? What's holding you back? If you have any questions, episode ideas, or anything you'd like to share, please send us an email or message us on social media. Depending where you're listening, you might have a link below to get in touch with us. And if you enjoy our podcast, please subscribe and share it with a friend or someone you think could benefit.

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